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The new pastor was nervous speaking before his flock for the first time and flubbed the scripture quotation that introduced his homily.

"I have taken for my text the words,
'And they fed the five men with
5,000 loaves of bread and 2,000 fishes.'"

At this obvious misquotation,
an old parishoner, Mr Bailey,
sitting in the front pew said in a stage whisper audible thoughtout the church,
"That's no miracle. I could do that myself."

The red-faced priest said nothing.
On the next Sunday, however, he announced the same text.
This time he got it right,letter perfect.
He paused for a moment, and then, leaning over the pulpit and looking straight at last weeks offending old
Mr Bailey and said,
"And could you do that, too,
Mr. Bailey?"

"Of course I could,"
said old Mr Bailey, not embarrassed in the least.
"You could?"
sneered the pastor incredulously.
"Pray tell us, just how might you do that."

"With last Sunday's leftovers,"
said the old gentleman, with a hint of triumph in his voice.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope
are in a meeting in Rome.
The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table
in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?"
he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices.
The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed,
he is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much.
This is great!
But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."

The Pope, of course refuses,
but the Rabbi is steadfast
and finally, the pontiff gives in.
He checks the counter on the phone and says:
"All right!
The charges were 100,000 Lira.($56)"
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.

A few months after,
the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit.
In the Chief Rabbi's chambers
he sees a phone identical to his
and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter
that requires divine consultation
and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees,
hands him the phone,
and the Pope chats away.

After hanging up,
the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment.
After the Pope insists,
the Chief Rabbi relents
and looks on the phone counter and says:
"1 Shekel 50! ($0.42)"

The Pope looks surprised:
"Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says,
"It's a local call."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here,
He would say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake.
I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

The priest was preparing a man
for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked,
"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said,
"Until I know where I'm heading,
I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."